Quiet Reflection

As I continue to try and figure out my own thoughts and feelings, I find one bit of me very hard to change. It’s still a work in progress. It doesn't really matter how it came to be but ultimately I want to change it.

What it boils down to is I am stubborn and if I feel I am “right” about something I go to great lengths to prove that point. I’m getting better at letting some things go and recognizing that it doesn’t matter if I am right or not, it’s about what that means to me.

I was on a run with my favorite running partner discussing a situation I was having difficulty with. I felt like I was the person in the “right” and the other was in the “wrong”. I struggled with trying to prove this (however you prove that) and she said the most wonderful thing that gave me pause. She said “if that’s what they need to move on then so be it”.

Instead of fighting and proving myself I decided to just let it all go. What does it matter if I am right. Clearly, that wasn’t bringing me any peace about this situation. I decided to take her advice and let it go. It was a strange moment of clarity for me.

In my 20s I would fight and argue and not back down about being right. To the point where I lost friendships. I wasn’t going to back down because that’s what you did when you were right. You stood up for yourself….or so I thought.

In my 30s I tried to understand why being right was so important to me. I think I got lost in the moment instead of looking at the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter if I’m right about something and sometimes I will think I’m right and realize I was wrong. What really matters is how I deal with situations and how I let them affect me.

So instead of trying to prove myself I am trying to let those moments pass. I can’t tell you what huge difference this has made for me. I feel lighter and stronger. I’m channeling what would be anger into more useful thoughts and feelings.

With those closest to me (insert husband) it’s still a struggle but I think recognizing it and reflecting on my own behaviors will eventually lead me to the right choices.

Highlights!

No, not for my hair but for the week. Although I did recently get highlights after a year of dry, thinning hair I think my hair is finally back on track. Since removing my thyroid I lost handfuls of hair, researched and stopped using sulfate shampoos & conditioners and I'm taking my B vitamins. I finally feel like it's back to normal. It's surprising what a huge difference switching just my shampoo has made for my hair. I never would have realized how just how damaging sulfates could be. I made the switch about 3 or 4 months ago and now I'm noticing it seems to be becoming more and more popular and have some products marketed specifically for sulfate-free (at least in my area that is usually behind on new products).

Another highlight! My beloved hills are clear and free to run again! I was so excited to run a sandhill and paved route (.75 miles per loop long) that I probably over did it after not running it for months. I ran 3 loops (2.25 miles). I was slow and sluggish but having the sun out and feeling it's warmth made all the difference! I was sore (and still sore) 5 days later. I went back to run more loops and only managed 2. Sometimes I find using the same muscles loosens them up but I which it did but my quads felt a little fried so I'll give myself a little more time in between I guess. Jason took some great photos - he makes me feel like a professional. He's been quite the photographer and took all these pictures manually, he even used the manual focus. (We're dabbling in photography but his skills are greatly surpassing mine!)






Other highlight includes booking a trip to Boulder, CO in June! It will be Jason and myself and my two older kids (age 5 & 6 at the time we'll be traveling) and my niece (19). I found a cabin with trails located nearby and it will be my kids (and niece's) first time flying. My youngest (2) will stay home for this one but we'll have the summer for our RV adventures and traveling time together shortly after this trip. We're headed to Boulder for the Naked Foot 5k and most likely Jason will be hosting a clinic. As luck would have it, our awesome friend, Jesse will also be there. I'm sooo looking forward to running trails together. I have traveled quite a few places but never to Colorado.

Lastly, the trails are clearing up! While I've been running them off and on throughout the winter today was the first trail run where I see signs of spring. It was fun to splash through the mud and only see handfuls of snow and ice. There's nothing like running through the woods and it's all the better when I'm not plodding through snow or worried about falling on ice. I could do with a little warmer temps but at least the snow is mostly gone!

Shaken Memories

The other day I was cleaning and as I clean I like to listen to a little music. I was feeling nostalgic so I put in Fleetwood Mac. I have an MP3 player but I still like listening to whole cd's. As I was cleaning away I couldn't help but get a little weepy. It's strange how something as simple as a song can sweep the cobwebs off a couple of memories.

Fleetwood Mac reminds me of my father. My father is an alcoholic with whom I don't have a relationship with. We talk civilly once or twice a year but it's usually when he wants something.

When I hear their songs it does take me back to what few good memories I have of my dad. They remind me of summer, cook outs, running as fast as you can, sunshine, playgrounds and everything you do as a kid on summer break. Usually, the time spent with my dad also involved alcohol of some type.

As a kid, you want to see your parents happy so you take whatever happiness you can find, even if you don't realize at the time that it is alcohol induced. I can remember Fleetwood Mac blaring from the stereo system and my dad singing along.

It's strange to realize that he was probably the same age or close to what I am now when I formed these memories. As a kid, 35 seems ancient but as I get older it seems the more connected to music I get. I remember thinking some adults used music to "seem cool" or were trying to act younger than they are but now I realize that music is a universal connection no matter what your age is.

But even though there are some "happier" memories these same memories remind me of a string of other alcohol related memories. During the summers I remember going to many bars as a kid. Back then I thought it was cool because it was a place that not many other kids were allowed to go until the time other liquored up men trying to hit on me. I remember putting beer into pop cans to disguise the fact that my dad was drinking at the park. I can also remember rolling cigarettes for my dad. He lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and cigarettes were expensive so rolling them was a much cheaper option. Now, I just realize the sadness of it, therefore, the feelings come as a result of listening to music.

So instead of ignoring the weepy feelings, I embrace them. I feel them. While it's uncomfortable it's ultimately a mourning of things lost. I long ago mourned the fact I have no father and the fact that my kids won't have that grandpa figure in their lives but those feelings shake loose every now and again.

Taking the Reins

Maybe I’m just a little grouchy, maybe it’s this time of year, lack of sun, cold and far too much snow…..I get a little annoyed at people endlessly complaining about things but not taking action to improve their situations. I have done this myself as well but I’m continually trying to better myself and I am open and accepting to any ideas even if they are ones I don’t always agree with. Sometimes those make for the best way to challenge yourself. I read a quote the other day that along those lines.

“We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't.” ~Frank A. Clark

It’s really easy to sit around and talk about the unfairness of the world and why things aren’t going your way. Sometimes it seems that people like to hear themselves talk for the sake of talking, sometimes it sounds like they’re trying to convince themselves of something and the more they repeat it, the more they believe it. Sometimes, misery loves company.

There are a lot of ways in which people can harbor their resentment and complain about these things but so few people are willing to actually do anything about it or they’ll do really passive aggressive things (talk behind someone’s back, make a snarky comment online followed by a smiley face or lol) to make themselves feel like they are taking a stand but in reality it’s only a band-aid for the underlying issue at hand.

I have put on many of these band-aids myself and until I was really ready to look at myself critically was I able to figure out the real problem and instead of running away from it, I tackled it head on. Fear kept me from wanting to look any deeper than a surface cut so I would busy myself with what others were doing. If I could find fault with others then I never had time to look at my own faults. Sometimes I would busy myself with actual activities running myself ragged, taking on more than I should but I was too busy to think or deal with the real problem this way. Sometimes I would convince myself by talking myself into something. The more I said it, the more real it had to be, right?

When I finally was ready to deal with my issues, I was able to move past them. Simply complaining about the issues never got me anywhere. Maybe that’s why I have less tolerance for kind of behavior now. It was such a freeing feeling to move past those things that were holding me back that I never want to go backwards. I’ve had a taste of the other side and it’s good!

I’m in charge of my own happiness and my own path in life and it’s not someone else’s fault if I don’t lose weight, or if I don’t finish a race, or I don’t make a change. It is solely my responsibility. Growth can be hard, uncomfortable and slow but it is ultimately worth it to me in the end.

First Indoor Tri Report

I signed up for the indoor tri to challenge myself and to do something that I wasn’t totally comfortable with. As the event got closer though, I started to look forward to it. I knew I could do 15 minutes of any event and I was going into it with the mindset to push myself and also have fun.

On the day of the tri, I had some nerves. I get nervous over silly things like parking, getting my number and getting there on time. The same things I worry about on race (running) days so at least that was nothing new. I gave myself plenty of time to arrive early so I could see where I had to go from one place to the other. The pool was on the 1st floor and the bike and run was on the 3rd floor. Since we had a 5 minute transition in between, I knew I had time to get there. It was also at the YMCA I used to work out at so I knew the layout pretty well but I wanted to locate where the bike portion would be.

Originally, I was going to go by myself but my mother graciously offered to babysit (ok, I begged her) so Jason could watch me participate. I didn’t realize that he really wanted to go and watch. The day before the event, he told me I had to remember every detail so I could tell him exactly how it went. That’s when I decided to ask my mom if she wouldn’t mind watching the kids. It’s so great to have such a supportive husband and I'm glad he was able to go with me. As a bonus, he also took photos!

I knew one other person there, Roger, who ended winning 1st overall. He’s good! We met him and I asked him a few questions. I guess I assumed everyone did flip turns but he said touching the end and turning around was what he did during the swim portion. Since my last fiasco with flip turns I decided it was better to play it safe and not try them : )

First up was the swim for 15 minutes. As many laps as you could get in that time frame. I was really nervous right before this. I waited at the side of the pool for the previous round of swimmers to get out and the next round (me and 6 others) to get in. The swimming was broken down into heats of 7 people and I believe 7 groups total. A total of 49 participants were signed up.

I’m not sure why I was getting so nervous at the start other than it was something new. My stomach was fluttery and I was trying to put myself into the mindset that this was for fun and not to worry about how I will do. Finally, I jumped in the pool and waited for the 3-2-1 Start! Countdown to begin.

The swim portion

As I started swimming I was trying to focus on my breathing. Again, I was nervous so my breathing was really off. Halfway across the pool, I noticed the pool dropped and I was in the deep end. While swimming at my usual pool I’m only in a 4 foot deep area. For some reason, being in the deep end with no ability to touch the bottom if I needed to freaked me out a bit. I sucked in a little water, choked a bit but kept going. After 2 or 3 laps, I finally calmed myself and got into the groove of swimming and started to just enjoy it.

I touched each end, turned around and kept swimming. I felt like I could swim forever. The 15 minutes flew by. Granted, I was taking the slow and steady approach to swimming. Kind of the “ultra approach” I guess. I contemplated swimming faster and I did at the end but since it was my first time it was more of a learning experience of how much to push myself while still maintaining my breath. I knew if I swam really fast, I would have to stop at the edge to catch my breath so I thought slow & steady was my best strategy. I ended up logging in 25.75 laps (643.7 yards) which wasn't too bad. In my age group (30-39) the range of laps was between 15-36 laps so I was in the middle. The woman with the highest number of laps swam an amazing 42 laps (1050 yards) in 15 minutes!

At the end of 15 minutes the air horn sounded signaling us to get out of the pool the quickest way possible. I was near the end so I hopped out and headed to the locker room. I contemplated just pulling bike shorts on over my swim suit but since I had a full 5 minutes and only a short way to the bikes, I made an overall change. I was glad I did because it was more comfortable. I even had time to go to the bathroom and hydrate.

For the biking portion, I wore my Merrell Pace gloves. I’ve tried wearing Vibram’s on bikes before and it hurts the tops of my feet too much. The Merrell’s worked perfectly.

On stationary bikes

The bike portion was a big question mark to me. I wasn’t sure how much to push myself since I hadn’t been on a bike in months. I didn’t want my legs to be too sore for running but I also wanted to push it. I biked a total of 4.41 miles. I feel like in hindsight I could have pushed harder. Now knowing what it feels like to run after swimming and biking, I feel like I could have gone a little harder on the bikes. The average biking distance for my age group ranged from 2.88 – 5.1 miles (5.1 miles being the most by any female that day)

The transition from the bike to the swim was literally only a few feet away so I changed into my Vibram KSO’s. I really wanted to run barefoot but in the rules it said that nobody could walk barefoot in between transitions and a friend of ours who belongs to the Y was told he couldn’t run around the track barefoot so I didn’t want to try it.

Transition between the bike & run

I was excited to run because I could run indoors in the warmth. As much as I love running outside and on trails, winter has been tough on me so it was a nice change of pace. As we lined up to run I heard someone shout out "Way to represent the Vibram’s!” We chatted about them for a while until I realized I was missing some important instructions about the running portion. If we were in the middle of the track at any point, we could count that portion of our run by grabbing a laminated card. For example , if you made it around half of the track, it would count as .25 miles on top of your laps. 7 laps equaled 1 mile.

The count down began and we were off. I always find it awkward to find a running groove around other people, especially around a track. This portion I had no problem figuring out how to run. It felt so good! I pushed myself hard during this portion. My legs felt fine from the bike. I thought I would have a lot more quad pain than I did but everything about the run portion felt great. Now, granted, I am not the biggest fan of running fast. I will take a long, slow run over sprinting any day but it’s good to push limits once in a while and I did.


The last 30 seconds I ran as fast and as hard as I could and I managed to run 13 laps total or 1.86 miles which I was really pleased about. Again, the range for my age group was anywhere from 8 – 13.5 laps. I was the second fastest runner in my age group with 13 laps. The highest number of laps from a female was 14.5 laps or 2.07 miles.

At the end of the race I felt great. I had fun the whole time, smiling and all. I did try to give a few shout outs during the run like “Looking good” but I was met by the sound of crickets. I never know what’s acceptable running talk during a race but I’ve found some people are receptive and others aren’t.

I really had a great time, so great I decided to sign up for the last series of this 3 part indoor tri (one in January that I missed, one in February and the last one in March). I was happy that I stepped outside of my comfort zone and tried something new. You never know what you’ll be good at until you try it. It turns out I wasn’t too bad overall. I placed 3rd in my age group (and scored my first medal) out of 8 ladies and 7th out of 25 ladies.

While, I never say never anymore, I most likely wouldn’t extend this to longer triathlons. While this was a great time, I don’t see myself investing the money into a bike and other things I might need to participate in the longer events. This was a great way to break up the winter doldrums and a fun challenge. I’m excited for the next event in March!

Give it a Tri!

About 6 days ago, a FB friend posted he was doing an indoor tri at the YMCA. I was curious about the logistics of it. How would they run it, how do they manage that many people in the pool, what bikes do they use, etc? He told me the details and said I should give it a try. I laughed, ha ha! Sure! I just started swimming last summer and all of it has been somewhat awkwardly self taught. I tried to get a few pointers from fellow swimmers but I think my brain learns best from someone either showing me or directly working with me. Since I didn't have that luxury, I used a lot of trial and error. I never took swim lessons as a kid and in fact my mom still doesn't know how to swim.

I have really enjoyed swimming and find it to be a very gratifying way to cross train. I love the feeling when I first jump in the water and my arms start to move. I feel like I am one with the water. If my muscles are sore from running or lifting weights, they feel light in the water. Even if I'm only swimming for 20 minutes I feel like I got a great workout in.

For the next 24 hours I thought about that tri. The set up is great for a first time tri. It's 15 minutes of swimming, 15 minutes of biking (stationary bike) and 15 minutes running with 5 minutes in between to change. I wouldn't have to worry about having a bike or any other special equipment. While I haven't used a bike since last summer (we canceled our gym membership since we weren't using it enough), I figured it's only 15 minutes. So physically, I knew I could do it.

So all that was left was my own fears. It kind of scares the pee out of me to think about competing against other people in something that's unfamiliar. The first time I do anything new I get a bit anxious. Not knowing exactly how the process will go or what to expect, worries me.

I worried about all the things that could go wrong. "What happens if I can't change fast enough?" So I start a little later, no big deal. It's not like I'm training to win. "What if my legs are sore from the bike?" So they're sore, get over it! I've been much more sore and ran without problems. It might not be my fastest time but who cares?

"What happens if I look foolish in the pool?" Ok, in fairness this one happens a lot so I'm already prepared to deal with it. Just yesterday while practicing flip turns I managed to land up in the lane next to me, nearly colliding with a fellow swimmer. He asked me later what happened and I told him I'm learning turns and not so good at them. He complimented me and said I looked strong out there and I said "Yeah, I'm so strong that I flipped into another lane. That takes a special kind of talent!"

That led me to think about last year and the many changes I had made. It led me to think about all the things I tried that I feared and how they all have helped me become a better, stronger person. This ultimately led me to fill out an application and sign up this Sunday, February 27th - just 5 days away.

Once I actualized my fears, I realized there is no reason not to sign up. The only thing that would be holding me back is myself and the millions of excuses I could generate as to why I shouldn't do it. So instead, I'm going to challenge myself. Now the closer it gets, the more excited I'm getting. I'm looking forward to trying something new and pushing myself.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

This is not a tale for the faint of heart or for those that easily get queasy or who are perhaps thinking about having children. It is a parenting story that I questioned if I should tell or not but in the end decided that I would. I figure if nothing else, you can have a good laugh at my expense : )

I sometimes feel like I am living on a reality show and I just can’t see the cameras but I’m convinced there is an audience because the things that happen in my house do not seem normal.

My kids and bedtime have graduated from letting them crying it out as infants to just laying them down knowing they would pretty easily go to bed unless they were sick or teething. Oh how I miss those days. I remember feeling guilt about laying them down so Jason was usually the one to do that task. I always worried they would cry and if they did I wouldn’t be able to resist picking them up.

In toddler years it graduated to an hour long (if I was lucky) process of reading, coloring, leaving the room, having them come out needing water, a snack, brush their teeth, going back in their room, dancing, more coloring, more reading, reassuring them there were no monsters “See I sprayed monster spray! No more monsters” (Monster spray = air freshener). It was a ridiculously long routine that we didn’t make the mistake of doing with our second.

Bedtime then graduated to a much simpler and quicker process. Brush your teeth, choose one of the following options (read, color, talk) for a few minutes and Jason and I would go downstairs to watch television. The kids were free to play for a bit and then go to sleep. This usually involves one or two trips by them downstairs with some made up excuse like “This is an emergency, mom. I had to come downstairs because I can’t find my crayons.” All in all, not a bad bedtime routine compared to the hour and a half long process we previously did.

They look so innocent, don't they?

Last night put this bedtime routine into a whole new category of which I still am wrapping my head around. I want to believe it was just a bad dream and it really didn’t happen.

The night began as our normal bedtime did. Kids came downstairs twice, we cuddled, told them to go back to bed and they went upstairs. A little while later I heard them making loud noises, I figured I would give them a minute before going upstairs to investigate. So wish I had done that in hindsight!

A few minutes later we can hear the pitter patter of feet coming down the stairs. What are they doing now? I hear my 4 year old yelling as he came down the stairs. “Mom, Ava pooped in a cup!”

Ok, what the hell? Did I just hear that right? Some of the thoughts floating in my head were “Ok, they clearly have our sense of humor and are joking right now.” “ They’re making up wild stories.” “They put a tootsie roll in a cup and are trying to trick us.” “Are they crying out for attention?” “I misheard him. He said Ava is playing with cups.”

I’m getting out of bed to further investigate when Ava fell down the stairs. I should mention she was overtired and everything is more dramatic when she is tired. She’s crying, Reese is still yelling “Ava pooped in a cup!” as we both run to them. Oh dear god, I see a cup on the stairs! Jason gets cup duty (oh thank you Jason!) and I go to console my daughter.

I carry Ava back upstairs and tell Reese to go to his room. I would talk to him after I got Ava to calm down. Meanwhile, Jason is still on cup duty and dear god there is actual poop in the cup. I don’t even want to hear the details at this point. What kind of animals did I raise? I really dropped the ball somewhere. Maybe there’s a kid at school I can blame this on : ) Sadly, I know these are 100% my children and these ideas come them.

Ok, I finally get Ava to calm down. I’m rubbing her back. All the while thinking “How did they get poop in a cup?” No, no I don’t want to know. First things first, consequences. No treats, no tv and no computer for one day. Then I give my mini-lecture about cleanliness and the sickness that can come from their actions. I tell her to go to bed and we would talk about this more in the morning after she rested. I then talked to Reese and gave him the same run down.

I did talk to them the next morning. I asked my daughter what she was thinking and she told me “I really wasn’t thinking about anything mom.” Which led to a discussion about listening to that inner voice or questioning your own actions and the consequences of them. She is only 6 and isn’t able to judge all of the consequences of her actions but I tried my best to make it a teachable moment.

The next day I was ready for the details in case you’re curious. They pooped in the toilet and then fished it out with a cup. It feels gross just typing that sentence….eeew!

I will laugh about this in the future and she’ll have one hell of a nickname or I’ll have a good story to tell future boyfriends in the name of embarrassment : ) One thing I can always say about kids……They are always entertaining even if that entertainment comes at an expense and with a huge gross factor…..and they are always unpredictable!