You Asked, I Answered PART 2

Just a few more questions to be answered!

zapmamak asked:

If you could be a superhero, what superhero would you be and why? (you can even make one up if you want)

Hmmm...tough question. There are a lot of cool superhero ladies I can't choose. Instead maybe I could pick a superhero power. I am a very curious person, ok nosey and would love the power of invisibility to find out what goes on in various places. I hate not knowing the answer to something and would love to have access to secrets from anything to conspiracy theories to mysterious deaths.

What mental strategies do you use to get through the "pain cave" and other challenging moments when running?

This is a tough one for me. In some ways, I have a high pain tolerance, when I am physically injured. Last year I broke my 4th toe and ran my first trail marathon 3 weeks later. I ran gently and it numbed up after I started running. When I run longer distances I get the "ultra hurt" which at first is a good feeling. You know you've really accomplished something and the pain is a reminder of what you've done. It's the persisting of that pain that I have a hard time with. I'm not sure I have found the best strategy for myself yet. When I run my 50 miler in September, I think that will be a good test for me. Some of the strategies I use are focusing on the accomplishment, visualizing myself finishing, distracting myself with other thoughts. It's nice if there is someone else running my pace because conversation with others is a great distraction for me.

What kind of music inspires you and what's the most played song on your ipod/MP3 player?

I like all kinds of music. Everything from Jack Johnson, Pink, Lady Gaga, La Roux to Nine Inch Nails. It all depends on the mood I'm in while running and how far I'm going. Lately, I haven't run with music but if I'm running a longer distance race I bring it with me because it helps during those longer hours (I'm slow so I spend a lot of time on the trails : )

Julie Bouesso Rehbein

Hi Shelly! I am just now getting to know you a bit and read with interest about your thyroid issue. I too have thyroid issues and was hyper before I opted for the radioactive iodine which now turned me hyper. I feel good nowadays but regret my decision back then. ***Has your thyroid improved through running, or has running effected it in any negative way? If so how do you battle it?***

Thyroid issues suck! I was diagnosed as hyperthyroid after my second son was born. I wasn't diagnosed until 6 months after his birth. During my pregnancy my OB noticed a growth on my neck and it was biopsied. At the time, my doctors said I was normal during my pregnancy (not hyperthyroid) but my endocrinologist looked at the results later and said I should have been on medication back when I was biopsied. Looking back on that 6 months I realize how sick I was. I had hot flashes, sweat all the time, lost hair, high heart rate, was anxious, fatigued, insomnia and was very paranoid. After I got on medication, I couldn't believe the difference. I thought I was dealing with normal hormonal changes due to pregnancy and having two children 20 months apart. I thought I was tired because I had two babies.

I had my goiter monitor and biopsied and regular blood draws. I opted for surgery to remove the goiter because it kept getting bigger and I was worried about cancer developing under the growth. My brother died from brain cancer so that was always in the back of my mind.

I had my thyroid and goiter removed and am now hypothyroid. I will be taking medication for the rest of my life but I can easily say dealing with hypothyroid symptoms is far better than hyper symptoms. I feel like I breathe better after the growth was removed and have found my running has improved. I can't say it's because of the surgery but overall I feel MUCH better post surgery running than I did before. I have made diet changes as well. I don't eat soy because it interrupts the absorption of my medication. I cut out gluten because research has shown that with autoimmune disease it's been shown to improve your physical condition. I tried it and I found out I felt great and if I ever cheat I have gastrointestinal distress and feel like I have a hangover so it's not worth eating.

I had surgery about a year and a half ago and don't regret it. I think the worst thing I deal with is hair loss. Since surgery, I lost a ton of hair and it still feels thin. I've been told it can take up to 3 years for your hair to recover post surgery so I'm hoping my hair thickness will come back. I take vitamin B and have switched to sulfate free shampoos which has helped.

You Asked, I Answered!

Thanks for all the great questions! Here are my long winded (sorry) answers!

Mark Robillard (Facebook brother) asked "Are you together"?

I'm sure he was kidding but it's a funny story so I'll answer anyway. At one of our Hobby Jogga (misfit band of runners) meetups for dinner and drinks we were sitting at a large table. The waitress went around the table to take everyone's order. When she got to Jason she asked "Can I take your order?" Jason disputes this and claims she said something else but we all heard otherwise. Jason's response to her was "Just so you know, we're together." We all started laughing and mocking him by saying "Whoa whoa, (_____) insert waitress name....he's off the market!.....They're together." So now it's become a constant running joke that Mark likes to tell at the most awkward times. He once asked a stranger in the woods at the end of a run to ask us as we ran by if we "were together".

Philip Whitley asked "What are you going to miss most about teaching?"

I will definitely miss the connections you make with students inside the classroom. A lot of people generalize that teenagers are self absorbed, annoying and criminal. When in fact, they can be the most caring and willing to support a cause. They are just going through self discovery, testing limits and finding their way in the world. They want to be given space, learn on their own and they don't like being told what to do. They can be incredibly sensitive and caring if given the chance and have direction. The ones that are the most defiant usually have a background of neglect or other problems happening in their lives that cause them to act out.

Liz Fazackerley "What do you eat on the road?"

I was worried about this one before I left but so far I've had an easier time than I thought I would. I'm a grazer and so is my family by default. I don't make or like big heavy meals. We all eat when we're hungry which is sometimes a pain in the ass for me because I feel like a short order cook getting all of the kids requests but it's what works for us.

Sometimes that's a handful of nuts, hummus & veggies and larabars are quickly becoming my favorite go to snack. They are gluten free which I am since having my thyroid removed. I cut almost all processed food and the few times I have cheated I feel horrible the next day. I feel so great without those foods that I'm rarely tempted.

I eat a pretty simply diet.I loosely follow the paleo diet but I eat some legumes and beans. I was never good at following all the rules! :) Since I don't eat beef, pork or soy products (because they interrupt with the absorption of my thyroid meds) I use those as protein sources. One of my favorite meals to eat is cooked lentils mixed with a TBSP of red thai curry paste & coconut milk and I mix in various meats (chicken or turkey) along with a veggie. I mix them all together and it keeps me full and satisfied for a long time. I like using the Green Giant veggie packs when I don't have as much time. They are quick and easy. I've also tried to grill in larger batches so I have extras on hand that I can take in the car. The other day I roasted sweet potatoes and made a hash out of the leftovers for breakfast.

My vices are chips and french fries which I try to limit. I have a salt tooth, not a sweet tooth.

Pamela Smedberg Yonkers (my sister) "Why did you always eat my candy when we were kids?"

Pam, I ate everyone's candy, not just yours! If you guys had found better hiding places (I was only 3 years old afterall) I wouldn't have eaten it all :)

Shannon Bergstrom Missere "With all of you sleeping under the same tiny roof, how does the sex thing work?? (or not work) :)"

Ha ha! This made me laugh. So far (18 days in) it hasn't been a problem. It's been pretty much the same as it was at home. We still have to be creative to find sexy time. So far we haven't had a walk in :) We have an accordion door that gives us "privacy" and when those doors are spread......stay out of our bed!

Vanessa Runs asked the following questions (I love that you asked a ton of questions)

"What is one topic or question you were worried people would ask about?"

I don't know if there was one topic but I was hoping there weren't any mean spirited questions and there weren't!

"What is one topic or question you hoped people would ask about?"

I was just hoping I didn't hear crickets from the lack of responses :) Thanks Vanessa for posting so many questions I didn't need to worry!

"What is one thing you know about Jason that nobody else does?"

Well, technically his parents knew but.....

When he was born he had an undescended teste......it's all good now though!

"How and why did you give your kids the names they have?"

I wish I had really meaningful reasons I picked out the kids names but I don't. I liked the way they sounded and I didn't want them to be too complicated. As a former teacher, I would see the most ridiculous spellings and names people chose for their children and I didn't want my kids to have to go through life correcting everybody.

Probably the most interesting would be my daughter, Ava. I heard the name when I was married to my first husband. His friend named their daughter Ava and I fell in love with the name. I thought I would never be able to use it because of their friendship. So, I got divorced just so I could use the name :) ...kidding of course, but it did work out to be able to use the name.

Ava's middle name is Marie after my grandma who passed away. Reese's middle name is Walter after my brother who passed away and Ty's middle name is Michael which is Jason's middle name.

"If you had to choose your own parents (can't choose your real ones), who would they be?"

This is a really tough question and you've stumped me. I'll keep thinking about it and try to answer it in a later post.

"Do you ever feel fat, and if so what do you do to stop feeling that way?"

Yes I do feel fat. I have had issues with my body image in the past and had some pretty self destructive behaviors where I made really bad choices. I went through a period where I tried diet pills, making myself throw up and not eating. I had many issues I needed to deal with that I eventually dealt with in therapy. I feel today I am about 95% satisfied with my body and the other 5% I try to deal with by focusing on my positive attributes and exercise helps quiet those voices in my head when I'm feeling not up to par.

"What's your favorite physical feature on your body?"

I think it would have to be my legs. I build leg muscle very quickly and love the look of my quads when I'm in a good cross training routine.

Lots of cross training then which I'm on my way to again. I'm loving our morning workouts!

"What's your favorite physical feature on Jason's body?"

It's so hard to choose just one! But if I have to I would choose his stomach. He has the best abs. I love the defined line he gets on the side of his abs.

So sexy!

"What's your favorite quality about yourself?"

I think it would be my sense of humor. It doesn't always come out in writing but in person I think I am very funny. I can have a very raunchy sense of humor if I'm around like minded humor lovers. That's why many times we can't reveal the nature of our jokes when we go on running trips with our friends because not everyone shares that same sense of humor. If I'm around Jesse Scott and we get going on a topic I can literally pee my pants. At the Huff we were joking around and I inhaled wine, spit it out through my nose and continued to choke in the bathroom. It was the kind of choking where you're not sure if you can breathe and you continue to cough for 10 minutes. The guys thought I was being funny and nobody came to my rescue :)

"What's your favorite quality about Jason?"

My favorite quality about Jason would be his overall outlook on things and he let's me be me. He doesn't try to limit what I want to do and is always supportive. We have a lot of the same quirky behaviors and he doesn't try to change them. If anything, he tries to encourage them to the point of "trying" to embarrass me.

"If you were suddenly single, would you ever date a non-runner?"

Well, all the guy runners I know are pretty hot so it would be tempting! If I were ever single, it really wouldn't matter. What I think would be most important is finding someone who allows you to be you and also has other interests. It doesn't matter what those interests are, they wouldn't have to be running. I see a lot of people get upset at their partners for doing what interests them because they don't have any interests of their own and rely solely on that other person to keep them happy. That leads to resentment in the end.

"What's your favorite book?"

I feel like I should have a favorite book but I don't. I would like to pretend to be intellectual but I'm not. I absolutely love reading and I read everything from memoirs to crime fiction to U.S. Weekly. Some of my favorite crime authors are: Lisa Gardner, Harlan Coban and Michael Connelly. I have always been an avid reader and read what peaks my interest at the time.

"Who is your best friend (after Jason) and why?"

I don't know if I have a single best friend but I have several friends whom I would trust with anything. Over the last couple of years I really evaluated the friendships I had and wanted to only surround myself with those who were positive. I had some friendships where we grew apart and some that were draining.

Here are some of my closest friends....my friend Scott is the type of person where I can pick up right where I left off no matter how long it's been. I recently visited him and his partner in Ohio. It was awesome! My friend Shannon, Jason's cousin. We don't see each other alot but we text and she is a lot like me. We laugh about our kids antics (or else we would cry). I have Sharon, my running buddy, whom I am so grateful to have met. She is a wise lady! The people I run with (Hobby Joggas) because when you spend so much time running together, you really get to know people well. Jesse, Mark, Ryan, Stuart, Tony, Rick and so on.

"If you could have any pet in the world, what would you get?"

I'm really not the best pet owner. We had a dog that we found a new home for before traveling around in our trailer. I feel like he was our fourth child that was ignored. With the 3 kids needs, it was hard for me to want to take care of a dog on top of that. I'm not sure I should be responsible for a pet :)

"Barefoot Angie Bee and Krista Cavender are competing in a bikini mud wrestling fight. Who do you place your bet on and why?"

Well, if Angie & Krista were mud wrestling in bikinis I would be drooling! They are 2 hot mamas! After I was done gawking, I would have to put my money on Angie but only because her hubby trains with mixed martial arts and she has 4 boys herself. Boys like to play hard and I'm sure she has lots of practice in defending herself!

Robin Ashton "What is your favorite race to do and why?"

I am a trail girl! I love any race on trails. Thus far, I would say marathon distance has been my favorite but I haven't completed a trail ultra distance yet. I ran the Huff 50k in December but it was 7 degrees and I'm a wimp in cold weather and stopped after 2 loops (about 22 miles). I'm signed up for the Woodstock 50 miler trail race in September in Michigan and I'm absolutely excited to run that!

Linda Piotrowicz asked "Many of your friends probably already know, but I don't and would love to hear about how you and Jason met. Was it instant chemistry or did it take awhile for you two to figure out you were made for each other?"

It's kind of a complicated story but Jason and I met when we were both married to other people. We taught at the same high school and would occasionally meet in large groups after work for drinks. At the end of the school year, I was laid off and Jason was the union rep at our school so I would talk to him about my options for the next year. After a few conversations, we both disclosed we were getting divorced.

We dated before we were officially divorced but at least in my situation even though it seemed like we moved quickly to the outside observer I was checked out of my marriage long before I decided to divorce.

In the beginning, I didn't want a relationship with Jason and told him to see other people. He was persistent and we dated for about 3 months, we got engaged and married 3 months later. I would definitely say it was instant chemistry. I didn't want to act quickly because I didn't know if I was rebounding or ready for another relationship but we are two peas in a pod and it worked out.

That''s not to say we haven't had our problems. Two years ago, we went through a really rough patch and were both making bad decisions. We both had baggage that we hadn't dealt with and after an extreme low we went to therapy and I can honestly say I've never been happier. While, it was tough to go through that time, it made us stronger and I will never regret that. I don't think I would be able to be traveling out of a trailer with my family right now if it hadn't been for that period in my life. I wish I could have come to that conclusion differently but it is what it is and I'm happy now.

If anyone has any other questions, feel free to post them!

Living like there's no tomorrow

The other day, Jason fainted. He came back from a whirlwind trip in order to pick our Suburban we will be using for our RV travels. He flew out to Massachusetts and drove back the next day (14+ hours) and stopped to run Bear Mountain State Park in New York in between with our friend, Jesse. His diet during the trip wasn't the best since he was traveling and running in new terrain. I'm sure it took more out of him.

When he got back the next day around late afternoon he said he didn't feel well. I told him to lay down and he slept for the next 3 or 4 hours. He came upstairs and sat in the chair. He didn't look good so I told him to go back downstairs. It was noisy upstairs with our 3 kids and my nephew Cody (who is 11) was also there. As I finished that sentence, Jason's eyes rolled back but this eyes were still open. Everything slowed down as it tends to in high stress situations.

I was yelling his name at the same time asking what I should do and trying to maintain some semblance of calm for the kids. He clearly wasn't responding so I punched in 911. I could hear my nephew in the background yelling "Call the cops!". At that moment I looked at Jason and saw sweat was oozing out of every one of his pores. I looked at the back of his hands and I could see the water dripping out. I looked at his feet and saw the same thing. I was checking for a pulse, not sure if I should move him to the ground or not but he was still breathing. Whoo! That was good.

The kids were running around like nothing was happening. Our youngest (almost 2) was trying to climb on Jason's lap. Kids are great distractions aren't they?

As I looked down at the phone wondering why someone hadn't answered I realized in my panicky state I didn't press the SEND button. Cell phones! But at that moment, Jason's eyes opened and he was began responding to me.

I still wasn't sure if I should take him to the hospital but I decided I would take his temperature, give him Tylenol and try to rehydrate him. My guess was he was severely dehydrated from traveling, running and then the flu.

I mixed up some nuun and told him to drink, drink, drink! He had the nerve to complain that he liked Heed better! Here I am having a panic attack and he's being choosy about his drink : )

Long story short, he was fine though he did give me a good scare. Sometimes people will tell me "Savor life, you don't know what will happen." or variations of that same saying. I get a little annoyed because they assume I don't already. I know that life can change in the blink of an eye. You think you are set on one path in life and in an instant it can be changed. I have suffered losses and never take life for granted. One of the reasons I run and try to eat healthy is so that I can give myself the best chance at being here for my kids.

I lost my brother, Walt (who was 39 at the time) to brain cancer. This is one of the biggest losses I have suffered. He was first diagnosed at age 33. They determined the tumor in his brain was in a place they weren't comfortable operating on so he decided to live with it. He didn't want to put his body through chemo so he opted for radiation instead. He radically changed his diet and ate fruits, veggies and no meat. He started exercising and was living a pretty healthy life despite his tumor.

High School Photo

When he was 39 after multiple MRI's he opted for surgery. At the time, it looked like the doctors would have a good chance at removing the tumor based on MRI's that were taken. After surgery, he was told they weren't able to remove all of the tumor since it was in connected to more tissue than they originally thought. Half of his head was shaved and one of the funniest stories was when he told me into a store and everyone kept looking at him. He figured it was because his head was shaved or that he was must have been so good looking but later realized he had the plugs from the surgery, 6 in total, still attached to his head.

Walt at age 19 & Sandy who was pregnant with their son

I don't remember exactly how long after the surgery until his death but I think it was around 9 months if I were to guess. Despite his healthy diet and exercise, his health was continuing to decline. It seems after the surgery, something happened or changed. Any surgery is a risk so I don't know if it was the toll of surgery or what exactly happened. I do remember the exact day I knew my brother was going to die.

We were sitting on his deck and I could feel the warm breeze of an unusually warm spring day. The sky was blue and the clouds were round and fat. I was sitting there with my brother reminiscing about our times together. And even though he was 11 years older I still have vivid memories. As we were sitting there talking, he told me he had to go to the bathroom. He attempted to get up but was too weak. I helped him walk to the bathroom and he asked if I could help him to the bathroom. I didn't realize until this point just how weak he was and how quickly his body was shutting down on him. I wept silent tears and helped him.

It was only about a month later and he passed away. So many thoughts passed through my head when he died.

He left behind 2 beautiful kids, ages 14 and 21 and his wife. His 14 year old daughter was left at a very vulnerable time in a young girl's life. I was angry that my own father who isn't involved in my life, smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish was left and my brother taken.

Walt, Sandy (wife), Scott (son) & Sam (daughter)

My brother died at a time I was most happy. I had left one unhappy marriage and quickly remarried Jason and was pregnant with Ava. I was about 5 months along at the time. I made a decision to stop going through the motions and really start living by leaving that marriage. While it was difficult I'm sure for my family to understand why I wasn't happy with my first husband and it must have seemed like I was jumping from one relationship to the next, I knew in my heart it was the change I needed.

While I can't begin to understand all of the why's, I instead try to remember the times I had with my brother. One of my first memories was a birthday card he gave me when I was 5. It was beautiful, silky, pink and glossy. I remember thinking it was the fanciest card anyone had ever given me. Inside he wrote "I still owe you that $2"....I still have that card and I don't believe I ever got that $2 :)

He also would take me for rides on his motorcycle when I was around age 5 . When I think about my own daughter riding on a bike at that age, it freaks me out, but I fondly remember going all over with him. On the highway, across bridges and around our house.

My brother was a handsome guy!

I remember our road trip to the Upper Peninsula in Michigan. It was about a 7 hour ride and he got tired of driving so he told me to drive. The only problem was he was driving a stick and I was 15. My mom had tried teaching me how to drive a stick but her teaching style wasn't the easiest to follow (yelling, making me nervous, grabbing the wheel to save us from going in a ditch) so needless to say I was nervous. He told me I would be fine so I tried it.

I drove for I don't know how many miles and we came to the Mackinac bridge. I told him maybe he should drive across because I was deathly afraid of bridges and this was 5 miles long and my first time finally getting the hang of driving. "You'll be fine" he told me so I dug deep, looked straight ahead and made it with flying colors. At the end of the trip when you start getting so tired that you're a little loopy I remember singing songs at the top of our lungs and laughing about nothing.

Lastly, I remember sky diving with his when I was 20. We both decided we wanted to try it so we took the required class and jumped out of the plane. We did static line jumping which means we were going by ourselves and had to climb out on the wing of the plane before letting go and deploying the parachute. He didn't even laugh (ok, he didn't laugh too much) while I practiced landing. Instead of jumping onto a mattress feet first I somehow managed to screw up the directions and did a flip somersault which shook the whole room and kind of hurt my back. Luckily, I landed normally when the real thing happened.

So it's these memories and others that I will always cherish. I miss him greatly and am sad that such a good life was taken away so early. I have a hard time sharing these feelings aloud and writing about is truly therapeutic.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean

Shaken Memories

The other day I was cleaning and as I clean I like to listen to a little music. I was feeling nostalgic so I put in Fleetwood Mac. I have an MP3 player but I still like listening to whole cd's. As I was cleaning away I couldn't help but get a little weepy. It's strange how something as simple as a song can sweep the cobwebs off a couple of memories.

Fleetwood Mac reminds me of my father. My father is an alcoholic with whom I don't have a relationship with. We talk civilly once or twice a year but it's usually when he wants something.

When I hear their songs it does take me back to what few good memories I have of my dad. They remind me of summer, cook outs, running as fast as you can, sunshine, playgrounds and everything you do as a kid on summer break. Usually, the time spent with my dad also involved alcohol of some type.

As a kid, you want to see your parents happy so you take whatever happiness you can find, even if you don't realize at the time that it is alcohol induced. I can remember Fleetwood Mac blaring from the stereo system and my dad singing along.

It's strange to realize that he was probably the same age or close to what I am now when I formed these memories. As a kid, 35 seems ancient but as I get older it seems the more connected to music I get. I remember thinking some adults used music to "seem cool" or were trying to act younger than they are but now I realize that music is a universal connection no matter what your age is.

But even though there are some "happier" memories these same memories remind me of a string of other alcohol related memories. During the summers I remember going to many bars as a kid. Back then I thought it was cool because it was a place that not many other kids were allowed to go until the time other liquored up men trying to hit on me. I remember putting beer into pop cans to disguise the fact that my dad was drinking at the park. I can also remember rolling cigarettes for my dad. He lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and cigarettes were expensive so rolling them was a much cheaper option. Now, I just realize the sadness of it, therefore, the feelings come as a result of listening to music.

So instead of ignoring the weepy feelings, I embrace them. I feel them. While it's uncomfortable it's ultimately a mourning of things lost. I long ago mourned the fact I have no father and the fact that my kids won't have that grandpa figure in their lives but those feelings shake loose every now and again.

Taking the Reins

Maybe I’m just a little grouchy, maybe it’s this time of year, lack of sun, cold and far too much snow…..I get a little annoyed at people endlessly complaining about things but not taking action to improve their situations. I have done this myself as well but I’m continually trying to better myself and I am open and accepting to any ideas even if they are ones I don’t always agree with. Sometimes those make for the best way to challenge yourself. I read a quote the other day that along those lines.

“We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't.” ~Frank A. Clark

It’s really easy to sit around and talk about the unfairness of the world and why things aren’t going your way. Sometimes it seems that people like to hear themselves talk for the sake of talking, sometimes it sounds like they’re trying to convince themselves of something and the more they repeat it, the more they believe it. Sometimes, misery loves company.

There are a lot of ways in which people can harbor their resentment and complain about these things but so few people are willing to actually do anything about it or they’ll do really passive aggressive things (talk behind someone’s back, make a snarky comment online followed by a smiley face or lol) to make themselves feel like they are taking a stand but in reality it’s only a band-aid for the underlying issue at hand.

I have put on many of these band-aids myself and until I was really ready to look at myself critically was I able to figure out the real problem and instead of running away from it, I tackled it head on. Fear kept me from wanting to look any deeper than a surface cut so I would busy myself with what others were doing. If I could find fault with others then I never had time to look at my own faults. Sometimes I would busy myself with actual activities running myself ragged, taking on more than I should but I was too busy to think or deal with the real problem this way. Sometimes I would convince myself by talking myself into something. The more I said it, the more real it had to be, right?

When I finally was ready to deal with my issues, I was able to move past them. Simply complaining about the issues never got me anywhere. Maybe that’s why I have less tolerance for kind of behavior now. It was such a freeing feeling to move past those things that were holding me back that I never want to go backwards. I’ve had a taste of the other side and it’s good!

I’m in charge of my own happiness and my own path in life and it’s not someone else’s fault if I don’t lose weight, or if I don’t finish a race, or I don’t make a change. It is solely my responsibility. Growth can be hard, uncomfortable and slow but it is ultimately worth it to me in the end.

My Roots

I have a 71 year old father. He fell. He broke his hip. He was drunk at the time. My father is an alcoholic.

I've had phone calls from my father's girlfriend, Grace. She called Sunday and told me he fell and is having surgery to repair his hip. Apparently, he's not to pleased with his care and has pulled out iv's from his arms. Grace told me I need to go and see him (he lives 8 hours away) because he's not doing too well. He will most likely need to be placed in a nursing home because Grace wasn't sure if she could take care of him by herself. Grace has a tendency to exaggerate, last year she told me his health was really bad. The really bad, according to her, was he had to take cholesterol medication so I take what she says with a grain of salt.

I told her I can't leave. I have 3 young kids and responsibilities. I told her I would call after surgery and see how he was doing. I have other family members sending messages telling me my dad has fallen and broke his hip. They conveniently leave out the part that he was drunk so I reply with "Drinking excessively at his age is not a smart combination."

I have long ago mourned the fact that I have no father and never will. I have no expectations he will miraculously change and become the father of the year. I understand he only calls when he wants something. That might be money or it might be something else. I'm ok with that.

When I ran Fallsburg marathon just over a week ago, I met Jenn. We ran the last 13.1 miles of the race together. We really connected and talked about anything and everything. We talked about topics ranging from religion to parents. At one point she said "You must be really close to your parents" and I replied "I'm close to my mom but my dad is an alocholic and we are pretty much estranged." She apologized for being too personal but honestly it's not a personal question to me. Plus, I like to lay things out there and if you ask me a question I will answer it honestly. I make no illusions about having a perfect family or pretending everything is fine. I've spent far too much time worrying about what others will think and now there is no question "too personal".

I told her my father being an alcoholic is just a fact. Just like me saying I have green eyes.....it's just a fact. Would I like to have a father? Yes. Am I going to have one? No. I would also like to be 6 feet tall but that won't happen either so why dwell on it.

I have a wonderful husband and 3 lovely (albeit sometimes very mischievous) kids. I have a good life. Why worry about someone that isn't worthy of my efforts. I'll keep updated on his progress. I'll weigh my options but ultimately I'm going to do what's best for my family and me.

10 Random Things About Myself

I couldn’t come up with a topic to blog about so I figured I would throw out 10 things that people might not know about me in no particular order…

10. I took an acting class in college. I had big dreams of “making it” as an actor. They quickly fizzled when I realized I had no talent but it was a fun class nonetheless.

9. I make homemade wine. I haven’t since having my kids because of a lack of time but I would like to get back to it soon. Maybe this summer. Some of the flavors I’ve made in the past are: cherry, raspberry, blueberry, berry mix, grape, blackberry and strawberry. Strawberry was my least favorite and blackberry was my favorite. I bottled it myself and made my own labels.

8. My left foot is an inch longer than my right foot. This is tricky when buying shoes and one of the reasons being barefoot really appeals to me. No shoes means no squeezing one foot into a shoe or having one that’s way too big.

7. I wanted to have five kids until I had one. Turns out, they’re a lot of work. When you see that Jif commercial on tv where the one kid gets to cut the peanut butter sandwich and his brother gets to pick his piece first. The only thing the other kid says is “Oh shucks!”. Total and pure fiction. My kids would be in fisticuffs and the sandwich torn into tiny little inedible pieces.

6. I am ¼ Native American. My grandma on my mother’s side was full blooded Ottawa & Potawatomi. She could speak in her native tongue and was a real spitfire that I miss dearly.

5. I secretly like to sing karaoke. Even though it takes at least 3 or 4 drinks to give me the courage to sing, I really like it. One of my favorite songs to sing is by Patsy Cline, “I Go Out Walking, After Midnight”.

4. I’ve jumped out of an airplane. I went with my brother and at the time they weren’t letting you jump in tandem so I jumped static line. This means you have to get out on the arm of the airplane first before letting go and the parachute automatically deploys upon release. I really messed up the practice landing in class so I was worried about breaking my leg while landing. I landed ok but not what I would call graceful. I was too scared to climb out on the arm the first time so the plane had to circle back around before I worked up the courage.

3. When I was in high school I won a $500 scholarship to a community college for being the fastest transcriptionist. This meant I was the fastest at listening to someone speak on tape and recording it via typing. Dorky I know!

2. My sister and I have gone to a nude beach. Warning to those of you who think it would be exciting to see naked bodies. The only people we saw were men and women in their 70s and 80s.

1. I have never in my life eaten a hamburger. My mom raised her kids as vegetarians. We ate dairy and for reasons I’m still not sure of, we ate fish. I started eating chicken in 2000 and my mother still doesn’t know. My oldest is 5 and I keep waiting for her to out me with my mom but I’m riding this one to the end. I know I’m 34 but she’s still my mother and she can still make me feel guilty about nothing at all.

Sick Days

I hate being sick. I have 3 young children and trying to keep up with them on a good day can be challenging but when I’m sick it's 100 times worse. I also can’t run when I’m sick, although I tried and it wasn’t a smart idea on my part. Mostly, I hate being sick because I feel vulnerable. Negative thoughts seem to pop up much more easily when I’m sick and self doubt creeps in.

I consider myself to be a very independent person. Before I was married, I traveled to many places including a study abroad program to China during college. I have also traveled to Amsterdam, Paris, Nice (Southern France), Mexico, The Virgin Islands and The Dominican Republic. I moved out of my house when I was 17 (I was a young high school graduate) because I was ready to do my own thing. I rented for a while and bought my first trailer when I was 18 years old and made a nice little profit off of it when I sold it two years later. I also worked almost full time while going to college to support myself.

One of the lessons my mother taught me from a very young age was to be independent because you don’t know what the future will bring. You cannot rely on someone solely for your own well being or financially. My mother divorced my father when I was three. Most kids want their parents together, but even at the tender age of three I knew that wasn’t a good idea. My father was a dangerous alcoholic. When my parents divorced, I was relieved. No more living in fear and worrying about him cutting off our electric so we had no power. No more worrying about coming home from my grandmothers to find out he smashed every window in the house. No more worrying about the endless arguing and smashing glass against the wall.

My mother married when she was 18 years old. To say she was naïve is an understatement. When my father left, he drained their bank account and left her with nothing. She had to learn how to pay the bills, change the locks, and manage four kids on her own. She taught me that I shouldn’t rely on someone to do these things for me and it was important that I learn to be self sufficient.

Maybe it’s a lesson I take too far at times. I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful kids (although mischievous at times). I want to be a superwoman but sometimes the superwoman needs her own heroes to take care of her. I love taking care of my kids and making them feel special when they’re sick so I should allow myself that same comfort. My mother never had anyone to take care of her. She never had that relationship that she felt safe in or a stable partner to help. I am lucky enough to have that and need to remember that it’s not a bad thing to rely on others and that it can be very satisfying for those that love you to be able to take care of you in your time of need. It’s a lesson I hope to teach my own children.