Confidence is sexy!

I read a post by Vanessa Runs and it inspired me to write my own post about confidence and how I found it.

Becoming more confident for me was a lot of different things. Exercise helps but it wasn't the only thing either. There have been other times I have been more fit and thinner but that didn't translate to confidence for me. For me, becoming more confident was believing in myself and overcoming challenges I previously thought impossible. Some of those steps for me are listed here.

Everyone struggles with their own issues and a big one for me was the ability to stand up for myself. I would worry so much about what other people thought of me and obsess over bits of conversations I would have with others. If they made a comment about me I would take their words and apply a different meaning to them instead of taking their words for their real meanings.

I remember when I was 16 years old I had a boy I had a crush on me tell me I would be good looking if I lost 10 or 15 lbs. At 16 I weighed 125 lbs at 5'7" tall. I was anything but fat, but I remember feeling crushed and wondering if I should lose weight. I didn't have the confidence then to recognize this boy's words for what they really meant. I heard "you're not good enough, you are fat". What he really said was "I'm not a man and in order to feel better about myself, I have to make others feel inferior".

The best thing about being more confident has been the ability to attract like minded individuals. In past friendships I would have to worry about everything I said or throw in a lot of reassurances and sometimes I'm sorry's but I have found when you have confident friends all of that is gone. And thank goodness because it was exhausting!

Now if I'm being an asshole my friends will tell me I'm being an asshole. If I say something that offends them, we talk about it. I don't have to worry I've insulted them or they took on different meanings to my words because I know they have the ability to talk to me about any issues we might have. I don't have to worry that if I said something they will get petulant and make backhanded comments. I don't have to worry because they will be direct and mean what they say.

I've had a long time battle with my self image but the older I get the more confident I become. I may not have the abs of steel I would like but overall I am really happy with my appearance. I have more things I do like than I don't like and I choose to focus on the positives instead of wallowing in what I don't have. (Side note on the abs: I like alcohol too much to ever have a 6 pack! :)

MTD's Race Report

This race report will be less of a race report and more of a summation of what I learned about myself as a person and a runner.

This was my second time running Mind The Duck's 12 hour endurance run. Last year I finished with a little over 40 miles. People would ask me about my goals for this race and I said 50 miles but honestly it was a number I thought sounded reasonable. I felt I was in better running shape this year and had put in more miles but I didn't really care so much about the actual number of miles I would run.

Me at MTD's

This year I finished with 34 miles but I stopped after 8 hours. When I stopped Jason asked if I would be angry at myself tomorrow if I stopped now and didn't continue on, I said no. I wouldn't be upset with myself. I knew I could continue on but it would be mostly walking or a shuffle run that was comparable to other people's walking speed. I decided to become a spectator and cheer others on.

A few days after the race, I felt really down and a little depressed. I thought back to the race and wondered if I felt down because I hadn't continued on. That wasn't it. I was proud of myself for running more and walking less this year. This year I ran most of the 34 miles and probably walked about 2-3 miles. Last year I walked far more than I ran. I guess I compare it to the build up of planning for a big wedding and when it's done you have a bit of the blues from the ending of the event.

When I reflected on myself as a runner I realized that it didn't matter what numbers I put up or how fast I ran. What I felt down about was everything leading up to the race. I get far more enjoyment out of the journey than the end result. I am not disciplined enough to try and get faster and I run for the enjoyment of running. Sometimes I set PR's and sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, that isn't what motivates me to run.

I feel like I should be motivated by those things because most people are. I thought I was strange or the only one that feels that way. After talking to Jason, we both find we are very similar. It's not always the end goal that we receive so much pleasure from. Usually it's everything in between.

There have been only a few races that I have completed that I think "I am so proud!". Usually, those were races I did for the first time or distances I ran for the first time but sometimes they are milestones like my first 10 mile run or my first 20 mile run. When I finish a race I don't think about what I need to do to become faster, I think of the next adventure or challenge to try.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally awesome to get faster but it's not what ultimately motivates me. If I had to follow a training plan or a rigorous schedule, running would start to feel like a chore. I struggle with this because I'm always assessing myself and worried I wasn't cut out for distance running. I know I do need to train more if I eventually want to run 50 miles, but I am also not disappointed in the effort I put forth. I know I could have finished the 12 hours but didn't feel like I had anything to prove.

What I will remember most about planning and preparing for this event would be:

* Training runs with Sharon, my running buddy. We shared laughs, secrets and tried our hand at rapping while running. We pushed each other to run when the other one would rather sleep in. While running, we encountered dogs, a kid selling Kool-aid in the middle of winter with no Kool-aid in sight, chafing, whistles, upset tummies, trying to figure out what fuels worked for us while running and many places to pee.

* Introducing Sharon to hills and seeing the gleam of addiction in her eye after we were done.

*Training runs with my Michigan crew in the rain, running on roads, trails and stairs. The way they can motivate me and make me laugh so easily.

The Michigan Crew wearing NF shirts. Mark raised $2000 for his cause!

* Training runs with Jason where we would race each other. He's so fast he always wins even when I start without telling him. I feel like a little kid when I try to outrun him and giggle when I try to trick him about the start time.

* Running for the first time after the snow melted when I felt warmth and the sun on my arms.

Mind the Duck's was great fun but more than the actual race I will remember the following:

* Seeing Jesse win 1st overall! He is very humble but works very hard and I couldn't be more honored to call him my Facebook brother & friend!

Jesse won 1st overall with 77.24 miles!

* Meeting new and old online friends in person. I met AngieBee, Vanessa, Shacky, Shelley & Jimmy, Denise and talking to runners I met last year. Being able to talk to them all while running was the best of both worlds! FYI, Shelley is the best Race Director ever! She pays such close attention to detail and works her tail off and it shows!

AngieBee, Vanessa & Shacky wearing great looking tutu's!

* Coming up with a new line to yell at Rick (Michigan crew) every time he passed me. Some of my favorites were "So how much farther to Walmart? They told me around this next corner" & "Is this your first race?". I also enjoyed teasing him for changing his shirt 4 times during the race....what a diva! : ) (Full disclosure: it was raining and he was worried about chafing but calling him a diva was much more fun)

* The car road to and from New York. When John (1 of 4 in the car) laughed so hard while driving that he told us to "Stop it guys...I still have to drive" with tears in his eyes.

* Nearly peeing my own pants in the car. Those guys can make me laugh until I cry and my abs hurt.

* On the road trip, telling the guys "Look at the clown driving next to us" only to have them do a double take and see an actual clown. Hair, nose, makeup and clown suit. We laughed and speculated on where he was going.

I still have those memorable milestones of running for 12 hours last year and all those other firsts but I've come to realize it's not the end for me that matters most.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” - Don Williams, Jr.

Lessons motherhood taught me...

With Mother's Day coming soon, I took some time to reflect on my own meaning of motherhood. Before I had kids, I would see families in the store, see kids having tantrums and I was sure that was not going to be me when I had kids. My kids would behave themselves and not run like wild monkeys throughout the store. I had all the answers.

Oh boy, was I in for an eye opener! How naive, ok stupid, was I? I had my first born, my daughter Ava, when I was 28 years old. I was 5 days overdue and it was the end of summer. I went to bed every night crossing my fingers that tonight was the night. I thought I would have my water break and make a dramatic entrance into the hospital. Reality, was actually quite boring. I was spotting, called my dr, who in-turn told me to go to the hospital so they could check things out. From there they induced labor, broke my water and 10 hours later, Ava made her entrance into the world.

Ava Marie (middle name after my grandma) weighed 9 lbs. 1 oz

When she was born she didn't cry. It turns out she had a fever and as a precaution the dr. gave me and her antibiotics to ward off any infection. It wasn't until what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes I heard her first cry.

It turns out, that was all it took to get her going because she cried for 3 months, almost straight, afterward. The first night at the hospital the nurse asked if I wanted to keep her in the room with me or send her to the nursery. I said nursery because I wanted to get some rest. About a half hour after that conversation with the nurse, she brought her back.

I was a first time mom and had no idea what this meant or how often it happened but it turned out it was pretty rare. They brought our daughter back to the room because she wouldn't stop crying and was waking up all the other babies. I remember the nurse telling me "Wow! You have a spirited daughter." Jason and I looked at each other and smiled.....our daughter was special. Nope, as it turns out spirited is code for stubborn, loud and "good luck".

After Ava's colic ended, she was a pretty easy baby. So easy that, before her second birthday we had our son, Reese (they're 20 months apart). I had many false labor alarms with him. The last one, I thought my water broke or was leaking so I headed into the hospital for the third time (this was really embarrassing - each time I thought for sure it was my time and each time they sent me home)

Turns out my water hadn't broken but I somehow in my heavily pregnant state convinced my doctor to induce labor, which was a week before my due date. Reese was a big boy, weighing in at 10 lbs. 2 oz when he was born. Luckily, Reese wasn't colicky but did have acid reflux. As I hand down his clothes to his younger brother, I realize I have very few shirts due to the fact that most of them were so stained that I threw them out.

Reese Walter (middle name after my brother who passed away)

Life was very busy and hectic with two young kids. Even though it was tough to have them so close in age I love how close they are. They are partners in crime and I love seeing them interact with each other.

Partners in crime!

Jason and I had talked about wanting one more baby and at the time I wasn't taking birth control but we were taking other precautions. It was almost the end of summer and just before we would be going back to work as teachers. I knew if I could work it out, I wanted to have a spring baby so I could take maternity leave in the spring and have all summer with the baby. We decided, what the heck? Let's try, just this once and if it happens it happens.

Literally, we only tried once. In my mind, I thought it was a little bit like playing Russian roulette. What are the chances that in one try it would really work? While with the last two we got pregnant quickly, within 2 months, I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant. Turns out , I did!

Almost 3 years to the day after Reese was born, our third child Ty was born. He was a planned induction based on the large babies I had and he weighed 9 lbs. 4 oz. He was by far the easiest baby. I realized at this point that babies really are born with their own personalities. Parenting obviously makes a difference but I saw each of my child's personalities at birth.

Ty Michael

To this day, sometimes I'm amazed that I am a mother of 3 kids. What I have learned about motherhood is I really know nothing. All those "things" I thought I would do right with my own kids has turned into one big learning lesson for myself. Here is a list some of the things I've learned:

* Never rush a toddler. The world is new and everything is an adventure. Too often I get into "hurry up mode" for really no good reason at all. What's the rush? Sometimes I rush to get home but I really have no good reason to get home other than it's my final destination.

* Listening is so important. I learn the most from my kids when I simply listen. Too often I try to rush in and try to smooth things over for them but in doing that I miss a lot. By listening, I get the big picture and usually laugh along the way and what my kids say.

* Ask lots of questions. I try not to put words into my kids mouths because I want them to express themselves. By asking questions, I don't define what they are trying to tell me. I want my kids to be unique individuals and I try not to make my own opinions or ideals into their own.

* Don't judge other parents. I was SO guilty of this before I had my own kids. There are so many reasons that kids do what they do and now if I see a child having a tantrum in the store I think "Whoo! Thank goodness it's not mine". So many factors could be in play. The kid could be tired, hungry, grumpy or just having a bad day.

* Kids are creative. I feel I am the least creative person out there so to see my kids create art, stories or games is so fun for me. My kids play at bedtime and usually when I wake up I find something from their play time the night before. Sometimes it's a drawing, sometimes a story and sometimes I find candy wrappers. You win some, you lose some :)

Exciting Changes Ahead

For those that might not know, Jason and I (and the kids of course) will be embarking on a great adventure! We'll officially be on the road starting July 1st pulling a travel trailer behind our Suburban. Before that, we will be traveling to other locations that Merrell is sponsoring by plane.

My last day at work was last Friday. It was a bittersweet day because I left the school year 6 weeks early and have had some awesome students this year. Jason will be finished on June 10th. Initially I thought I would be able to finish the school year out but with just a few months left and having some commitments in the coming months, I felt I was running out of time and being pulled in too many directions, thus, my decision to leave early.

I'll be staying home and getting ready in preparation of our travels that will take us all over the U.S. For a complete list, click here. Reasons we decided to make such a dramatic change as Jason listed so well are here.

We will be home schooling both kids. Ava will be in first grade, Reese in kindergarten. I figure how badly can I mess up first grade? When we told the kids we would be their teachers they had a lot of questions. Since my daughter has already been in school for 2 years, she asked things like "Do we have to call you Mrs. Robillard?".....why, yes! "Do we have to raise our hands?"...of course! and other questions about calendars and centers.

People asked if we're scared and my answer would be no, just incredibly excited to start our adventures on the road. I know there will be good days and crazy days and days I want to pull may hair out I'm sure but I'm excited to see the world through our kids eyes and travel to places I have never seen.

A Year Later....

Last week I ran 17.2 miles on roads and the following weekend 21 miles on roads, some stairs and trails. It seems odd to me that just a year ago I completed my first ever 20 mile run and now I’ve become a running junkie.

Some of my best thoughts come to me while I’m running. It seems I can sort out any issues, frustrations, happy feelings or problems I might be having all with a simple run. My mind opens, my thoughts are clear and I am able to focus more completely. So on my last run, I thought about that first 20 mile run.

I remember how grueling it was, how tired my legs were and how with every ounce of my body I wanted to stop. To compare, I thought about my 17.2 mile run on roads and it seemed strangely easy to me. I never would have thought that running that distance would become easy. Admittedly, it’s not a fast 17.2 miles by any means but I’ve never been fast. And running for me has never been about speed. While I like getting faster it’s not my ultimate goal. For me running is my time to think, my therapy to sort the crowded thoughts in my mind and the lift that I need to be sane at times when I am feeling like I'm coming unglued.

My 21 mile run was more difficult because I ran on trails and stairs along with roads but nothing compared to that first 20 mile run. I will take more difficulty any day though when it comes to trails because while they can be more tiring physically, mentally they are good for my soul. I can always count on trails to bring out inner child by running down the hills faster and speeding up just for fun.

Lastly, I thought about why I was running long distances in the first place and last year my motivation was preparing for a 12 hour timed race in Rochester, NY. I will be running at Mind the Duck’s again this year and I am really looking forward to it. Last year it seemed unfathomable to continue to move for 12 hours but this year I will head into the race knowing what I'm capable and hopefully pushing myself even more!

I am so excited about meeting friends I have only chatted with online at this event. We will have our “Michigan Crew” headed out to Rochester, NY in less than a month! Can't wait!

Living like there's no tomorrow

The other day, Jason fainted. He came back from a whirlwind trip in order to pick our Suburban we will be using for our RV travels. He flew out to Massachusetts and drove back the next day (14+ hours) and stopped to run Bear Mountain State Park in New York in between with our friend, Jesse. His diet during the trip wasn't the best since he was traveling and running in new terrain. I'm sure it took more out of him.

When he got back the next day around late afternoon he said he didn't feel well. I told him to lay down and he slept for the next 3 or 4 hours. He came upstairs and sat in the chair. He didn't look good so I told him to go back downstairs. It was noisy upstairs with our 3 kids and my nephew Cody (who is 11) was also there. As I finished that sentence, Jason's eyes rolled back but this eyes were still open. Everything slowed down as it tends to in high stress situations.

I was yelling his name at the same time asking what I should do and trying to maintain some semblance of calm for the kids. He clearly wasn't responding so I punched in 911. I could hear my nephew in the background yelling "Call the cops!". At that moment I looked at Jason and saw sweat was oozing out of every one of his pores. I looked at the back of his hands and I could see the water dripping out. I looked at his feet and saw the same thing. I was checking for a pulse, not sure if I should move him to the ground or not but he was still breathing. Whoo! That was good.

The kids were running around like nothing was happening. Our youngest (almost 2) was trying to climb on Jason's lap. Kids are great distractions aren't they?

As I looked down at the phone wondering why someone hadn't answered I realized in my panicky state I didn't press the SEND button. Cell phones! But at that moment, Jason's eyes opened and he was began responding to me.

I still wasn't sure if I should take him to the hospital but I decided I would take his temperature, give him Tylenol and try to rehydrate him. My guess was he was severely dehydrated from traveling, running and then the flu.

I mixed up some nuun and told him to drink, drink, drink! He had the nerve to complain that he liked Heed better! Here I am having a panic attack and he's being choosy about his drink : )

Long story short, he was fine though he did give me a good scare. Sometimes people will tell me "Savor life, you don't know what will happen." or variations of that same saying. I get a little annoyed because they assume I don't already. I know that life can change in the blink of an eye. You think you are set on one path in life and in an instant it can be changed. I have suffered losses and never take life for granted. One of the reasons I run and try to eat healthy is so that I can give myself the best chance at being here for my kids.

I lost my brother, Walt (who was 39 at the time) to brain cancer. This is one of the biggest losses I have suffered. He was first diagnosed at age 33. They determined the tumor in his brain was in a place they weren't comfortable operating on so he decided to live with it. He didn't want to put his body through chemo so he opted for radiation instead. He radically changed his diet and ate fruits, veggies and no meat. He started exercising and was living a pretty healthy life despite his tumor.

High School Photo

When he was 39 after multiple MRI's he opted for surgery. At the time, it looked like the doctors would have a good chance at removing the tumor based on MRI's that were taken. After surgery, he was told they weren't able to remove all of the tumor since it was in connected to more tissue than they originally thought. Half of his head was shaved and one of the funniest stories was when he told me into a store and everyone kept looking at him. He figured it was because his head was shaved or that he was must have been so good looking but later realized he had the plugs from the surgery, 6 in total, still attached to his head.

Walt at age 19 & Sandy who was pregnant with their son

I don't remember exactly how long after the surgery until his death but I think it was around 9 months if I were to guess. Despite his healthy diet and exercise, his health was continuing to decline. It seems after the surgery, something happened or changed. Any surgery is a risk so I don't know if it was the toll of surgery or what exactly happened. I do remember the exact day I knew my brother was going to die.

We were sitting on his deck and I could feel the warm breeze of an unusually warm spring day. The sky was blue and the clouds were round and fat. I was sitting there with my brother reminiscing about our times together. And even though he was 11 years older I still have vivid memories. As we were sitting there talking, he told me he had to go to the bathroom. He attempted to get up but was too weak. I helped him walk to the bathroom and he asked if I could help him to the bathroom. I didn't realize until this point just how weak he was and how quickly his body was shutting down on him. I wept silent tears and helped him.

It was only about a month later and he passed away. So many thoughts passed through my head when he died.

He left behind 2 beautiful kids, ages 14 and 21 and his wife. His 14 year old daughter was left at a very vulnerable time in a young girl's life. I was angry that my own father who isn't involved in my life, smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish was left and my brother taken.

Walt, Sandy (wife), Scott (son) & Sam (daughter)

My brother died at a time I was most happy. I had left one unhappy marriage and quickly remarried Jason and was pregnant with Ava. I was about 5 months along at the time. I made a decision to stop going through the motions and really start living by leaving that marriage. While it was difficult I'm sure for my family to understand why I wasn't happy with my first husband and it must have seemed like I was jumping from one relationship to the next, I knew in my heart it was the change I needed.

While I can't begin to understand all of the why's, I instead try to remember the times I had with my brother. One of my first memories was a birthday card he gave me when I was 5. It was beautiful, silky, pink and glossy. I remember thinking it was the fanciest card anyone had ever given me. Inside he wrote "I still owe you that $2"....I still have that card and I don't believe I ever got that $2 :)

He also would take me for rides on his motorcycle when I was around age 5 . When I think about my own daughter riding on a bike at that age, it freaks me out, but I fondly remember going all over with him. On the highway, across bridges and around our house.

My brother was a handsome guy!

I remember our road trip to the Upper Peninsula in Michigan. It was about a 7 hour ride and he got tired of driving so he told me to drive. The only problem was he was driving a stick and I was 15. My mom had tried teaching me how to drive a stick but her teaching style wasn't the easiest to follow (yelling, making me nervous, grabbing the wheel to save us from going in a ditch) so needless to say I was nervous. He told me I would be fine so I tried it.

I drove for I don't know how many miles and we came to the Mackinac bridge. I told him maybe he should drive across because I was deathly afraid of bridges and this was 5 miles long and my first time finally getting the hang of driving. "You'll be fine" he told me so I dug deep, looked straight ahead and made it with flying colors. At the end of the trip when you start getting so tired that you're a little loopy I remember singing songs at the top of our lungs and laughing about nothing.

Lastly, I remember sky diving with his when I was 20. We both decided we wanted to try it so we took the required class and jumped out of the plane. We did static line jumping which means we were going by ourselves and had to climb out on the wing of the plane before letting go and deploying the parachute. He didn't even laugh (ok, he didn't laugh too much) while I practiced landing. Instead of jumping onto a mattress feet first I somehow managed to screw up the directions and did a flip somersault which shook the whole room and kind of hurt my back. Luckily, I landed normally when the real thing happened.

So it's these memories and others that I will always cherish. I miss him greatly and am sad that such a good life was taken away so early. I have a hard time sharing these feelings aloud and writing about is truly therapeutic.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean

Cleaning out the cuboards

Both literally and figuratively I've been on a cleaning spree. Maybe not cleaning so much as getting rid of excess clutter. I actually despise cleaning. People ask me how I work, have 3 kids and still manage to run so much. The truth is I avoid housework like the plague. It's not on my list of priorities and luckily it doesn't bother Jason either.

We are having a huge garage sale to get rid of some of our bigger items and things we no longer use. We are heading out this summer for an RV adventure around the United States and this is a good time to get rid of things while we are both on break.

The mental cleaning I have done is to assess my relationships and what they mean to me. I have had some unexpected changes on that front but in the end I have come to terms with it. I cannot change who I am for someone else just like I cannot change others. My only hope is that I will always be myself and those that remain my friends accept me for who I am rather than who they want me to be. It's sometimes a very sad realization for me but ultimately through growth I know I will be the most happy.

A few sidenotes:

* I met Anton Krupicka through a local running store. Our group of friends had our picture taken with him. He was a very laid back, nice guy. Everyone from my group seemed a little shy to ask him for a picture so having no boundaries or stalkerish tendencies I went up and asked.


* We traveled to visit Jason's family over the weekend and the older my kids get the better they travel. Obviously, we will be traveling a lot in the near future so it gives me hope for the day to day things we will need to be doing. On our trip Ava said "Mom, look at that valley. That would be a good thing to draw." She is so artistic and views the world through an artful eye. She does not get that from me but it's so fun to see the world through her eyes.

* Last weekend I ran a 15k with a lot of hills. I beat my PR from last summer's 15k with a finish of 1:28 and some change. It's early in the running season for me so that was a cool milestone to hit, especially given the hilly terrain. The following day I completed my second indoor tri. I didn't place in my age group this time but beat my swim time from the first time. However, I was much slower in the bike and run portion. Running the 15k the day before probably wasn't the best choice but I had talked one of my students into running the 15k so I wanted to be there to cheer him on as well as run. I told him if his "old teacher" can run a 15k surely it would be a piece of cake for him : ) He finished 20th overall male!

*Jason is flying to Massachusetts to pick up a Suburban for our RV adventures. Jesse is also going with him to keep him company on the 14+ hour ride home. They are going to break up the trip by finding some trails to run along the way. Of course, I am very jealous and told him he better come home!!! I'm really grateful he will have company along the way for such a long drive.