This is not a new term but one that has shown up from time to time. A martyr mom is a someone who sacrifices her own needs every single time. She puts her personal needs, wants and wishes on the back burner. She then justifies her martyr behavior by convincing herself that it's the best for her kids, she has no choice.
The truth is that kids feel guilty when mom does all the giving. Rather than weighing kids down with layers of guilt, lift their spirits by taking good care of yourself . Here's some of my own personal signs that you might be a martyr mom.
# 1 You're a date breaker
This can include many things from not going out on a girls night to breaking plans you've made with a girlfriend because something comes up. The whole world will implode if I am not home with the kids...I'm a martyr mom.
I've had friends break plans with me for seemingly good reasons. Sure, a sick kid is a reason to stay home but not always (at least in my humble opinion).
I had a friend break plans over diarrhea. Not my friends diarrhea, but their kids diarrhea. We had an event planned months in advance and the day of the event, her kid had diarrhea. She told me she couldn't leave dad to handle it all alone, she had to be there. Believe me, I like taking care of my kids when they're sick but I also have no problem letting their dad take over either.
Maybe I have a cruel streak, but that would be all the more reason for me to high tail it out of there! I've dealt with my share of toxic explosions and would gladly hand one over to dad. But "dad can't handle it, I better stay home".
#2 You can't do date night, because the kids can't be away from you.
Your kids are fine without you for a night. Kids feed off of our energy so if you make leaving a long drawn out process they will do the same. It's important to have couple time so make it a priority.
If you're lucky enough to have a helpful husband like I do who helps with everything around the house and with our kids, I like to do what I can to show my appreciation. My husband doesn't want a foot rub or a new pair of jeans. He likes my appreciation shown in much simpler terms. The sexy sort!
He needs a night away from the kids as much as you do and spicing things up is fun...and it's ridiculously easy! A simple suggestion: Go on a date night with your husband and go commando! Tell your partner at any point in the night and watch him salivate! If you want to take it up a notch show him you're going commando by wearing a skirt just before you go into the restaurant. He'll be thinking about nothing else!
#3 You busy yourself with endless activities
If you've stretched yourself so thin with bringing the kids to soccer, football, bake sales, dance, piano, gymnastics lessons and so on it doesn't take long for you to pass out from sheer exhaustion. You end up literally driving yourself crazy, tired and without any energy for anything else. In between you'll tell anyone who will listen you would like to go out for a girls night but who has time?
I argue you can make anything a priority. Stop spreading yourself so thin and make time for yourself! You will be a better wife, mom and person for it. Plus, like I tell my kids "Nobody likes a whiner"...who wants to listen to someone complain non stop?
#4 Nobody can do it like me!
Everybody has their own preferred method of doing things but there is more than one way to solve a problem. Moms will do everything themselves because they claim "My husband doesn't do it right." He may not do it your way but who's to say there is only one right way?
When Jason does things with the kids he usually does them in a way different from mine but he's still accomplishing the same goal. When he dresses the kids, half the time they are wearing each others clothes or they may not quite match up.....but they're dressed. I could care less what strangers think of me and it's one less job I have to do. Bitching about it only makes your partner resentful and less helpful in the future.
I also think Jason comes up with more creative solutions to problems than I do and that's great for the kids. They learn there is no "right way" to solve a problem and they tend to come up with their own creative solutions as a result.
#5 You don't have time to have a hobby
I like to run but if you don't there are endless hobbies you can take up. Again, make it a priority. You will be less stressed out. I know if Jason is doing something cool and I don't have anything going on I become resentful. He's not stopping me. He recognizes that I need that away time as much as he does. Have your own cool adventures and you will be better for it!
Again, these are my own personal opinions. I do think that women need to take time for themselves and leave the guilt behind. You will be recharged and an overall better person for it.
The truth is that kids feel guilty when mom does all the giving. Rather than weighing kids down with layers of guilt, lift their spirits by taking good care of yourself . Here's some of my own personal signs that you might be a martyr mom.
# 1 You're a date breaker
This can include many things from not going out on a girls night to breaking plans you've made with a girlfriend because something comes up. The whole world will implode if I am not home with the kids...I'm a martyr mom.
I've had friends break plans with me for seemingly good reasons. Sure, a sick kid is a reason to stay home but not always (at least in my humble opinion).
I had a friend break plans over diarrhea. Not my friends diarrhea, but their kids diarrhea. We had an event planned months in advance and the day of the event, her kid had diarrhea. She told me she couldn't leave dad to handle it all alone, she had to be there. Believe me, I like taking care of my kids when they're sick but I also have no problem letting their dad take over either.
Maybe I have a cruel streak, but that would be all the more reason for me to high tail it out of there! I've dealt with my share of toxic explosions and would gladly hand one over to dad. But "dad can't handle it, I better stay home".
#2 You can't do date night, because the kids can't be away from you.
Your kids are fine without you for a night. Kids feed off of our energy so if you make leaving a long drawn out process they will do the same. It's important to have couple time so make it a priority.
If you're lucky enough to have a helpful husband like I do who helps with everything around the house and with our kids, I like to do what I can to show my appreciation. My husband doesn't want a foot rub or a new pair of jeans. He likes my appreciation shown in much simpler terms. The sexy sort!
He needs a night away from the kids as much as you do and spicing things up is fun...and it's ridiculously easy! A simple suggestion: Go on a date night with your husband and go commando! Tell your partner at any point in the night and watch him salivate! If you want to take it up a notch show him you're going commando by wearing a skirt just before you go into the restaurant. He'll be thinking about nothing else!
#3 You busy yourself with endless activities
If you've stretched yourself so thin with bringing the kids to soccer, football, bake sales, dance, piano, gymnastics lessons and so on it doesn't take long for you to pass out from sheer exhaustion. You end up literally driving yourself crazy, tired and without any energy for anything else. In between you'll tell anyone who will listen you would like to go out for a girls night but who has time?
I argue you can make anything a priority. Stop spreading yourself so thin and make time for yourself! You will be a better wife, mom and person for it. Plus, like I tell my kids "Nobody likes a whiner"...who wants to listen to someone complain non stop?
#4 Nobody can do it like me!
Everybody has their own preferred method of doing things but there is more than one way to solve a problem. Moms will do everything themselves because they claim "My husband doesn't do it right." He may not do it your way but who's to say there is only one right way?
When Jason does things with the kids he usually does them in a way different from mine but he's still accomplishing the same goal. When he dresses the kids, half the time they are wearing each others clothes or they may not quite match up.....but they're dressed. I could care less what strangers think of me and it's one less job I have to do. Bitching about it only makes your partner resentful and less helpful in the future.
I also think Jason comes up with more creative solutions to problems than I do and that's great for the kids. They learn there is no "right way" to solve a problem and they tend to come up with their own creative solutions as a result.
#5 You don't have time to have a hobby
I like to run but if you don't there are endless hobbies you can take up. Again, make it a priority. You will be less stressed out. I know if Jason is doing something cool and I don't have anything going on I become resentful. He's not stopping me. He recognizes that I need that away time as much as he does. Have your own cool adventures and you will be better for it!
Again, these are my own personal opinions. I do think that women need to take time for themselves and leave the guilt behind. You will be recharged and an overall better person for it.
Of course I have the time for my hobby, running - 4am. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou and I are very similar. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI am very lucky to have a husband very much like yours. I'm perfectly comfortable with letting him take over. Seriously. I would make a horrible single parent. And dad is way cooler in some parenting departments. Take bikes and crashing for example. Daddy knows how to crash. Mama doesn't. Don't take crashing advice from mama. My kid learned that real quick after watching me bite it on our pump track. Ow.
Ewa- those 4 am runs are the best! Sadly, I haven't been able to get my butt out of bed for them lately.
ReplyDeleteKrista - that's good information for the future! You are right, I would be the worst person to show someone how to fall too. I would be the person to fall over the handlebars!